Nazi Car Guy

Last Tuesday, I took the day off and took William to the Oakland Zoo. It was a beautiful sunny day and in celebration of a Hitting-Free two weeks (a story for another day...), I decided the little man deserved a reward. We spend the morning with the animals and then after lunch headed over to the ride area. If you haven't been to the Oakland Zoo, you need to understand that the ride area is just a few small carnival rides. In fact, there are two rides there that have NEVER even worked. There is a small roller coaster. Think: up, down, and around twice- just enough to feel sick, but not quiet enough to induce vomit. And no thrills to offset the queeze. There is a carousel with the standards zoo carousel animals to sit on. And go up, down, and around a few times. (yes, more queeze). There is a train ride that is actually pretty cool. And then there are the cars.


Tiny cars going in a circle. There is no gas and no brake, as they are all attached to poles attached to the center. They go MAYBE zero miles per hour. But the attendant on Sunday was extremely serious about his job. I didn’t catch his name, but let’s call him, “Nazi Car Guy” (NCG for short).

We got to the car ride and there were a cluster of kids “lined” up as per the usual. No attendant in sight, but one lady was nervously telling everyone to get in line. In a real line, not a 3-year-old line. “The guy is going to insist, so I’m just sayin’.” She was twitching and looking over her shoulders. Her child was rigid with fright, but I just thought they were weird.

Until NCG showed up. He stood on the other side of the gate. I really think that he saw it as being St. Peter deciding who could go through the pearly gates. Sadly, the gate is all of 2 feet high metal. Not a pearl in sight.

LINE UP! LINE UP SINGLE FILE RIGHT HERE! NO!!! SINGLE FILE. THE SOONER YOU MOVE IT, THE SOONER WE CAN START.

Keep in mind that in order to go on this ride, the children must be between 36 and 42 inches. So it’s for those ages 2-5. It’s not the Tower of Terror or a safari adventure where children could slip out and be eaten by lions. It’s a car ride where cars go around in slow circles.

With the help of startled parents, the children lined up, bewildered, but still sort of plotting which car they were going to maneuver through the intricate circle of fun. NCG would soon take that plotting away, as each child was demanded to STAND AGAINST THE RULERED WALL SO THAT I CAN MAKE SURE YOU ARE THE APPROPRIATE HEIGHT.

Rather than glancing haphazardly with little or no interest at the child next to the ruler as they do in the normal world, NCG opened the gate, walked through, stood next to the ruler wall and then proceeded with The Procedure.

STAND WITH YOU FEET AGAINST THE WALL. YES, LIKE THAT. He would then take his pointer and carefully hold it to the point at which the top of the child’s head reached. MOVE AWAY FROM THE WALL. He would then carefully examine the place where the pointer touched. Sometimes he’d have the child come back to start over.

If the child was approved, he would go back to the gate, open it, let the child through. WALK! DO NOT RUN! REMEMBER WALK, DO NOT RUN.

Then he repeated on the next child.

Once the children were in place. He began the lecture. DO NOT TAKE YOUR SEAT BELT OFF. DO NOT STAND UP. DO NOT YELL OR SCREAM. WE WILL START IN A MOMENT, BUT REMEMBER THE RULES. THEY ARE HERE TO KEEP YOU SAFE. DO NOT TAKE YOUR SEAT BELT OFF AND DO NOT STAND UP. DO NOT MOVE UNTIL THE RIDE COMES TO A COMPLETE STOP. He said “COMPLETE” extra loud and mean. DO NOT RUN OUT. WALK CALMLY. WE WILL BEGIN.

And then the children gleefully went around in stupid circles ten exact times, smiling and giddy with power.

The parents and grandparents were all swearing to report NCG. Muttering to one another throughout the entire ordeal about how they can’t believe this and spouting expletives when their child was too small at 35.99 inches or too big at 42.01 inches.

I, however, was laughing and making mental notes for writing fodder.