Cake’s “Short Skirt” song came on this morning and I remembered the first time I heard it, thinking how cool it would be to have someone think about me like that and write a song about me.   But as I listened today, I realized that middle-aged me would need to change it up quite a bit...

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond

I want a girl who knows what's best

I want a girl with shoes that cut

 ~~~ But with sensible heals, because later in the song I have to tour the facilities~~~

And eyes that burn like cigarettes

~~~ Is this because I need bifocals?  I *am* having trouble focusing at times.  I need to see the eye doctor again, but not sure if my insurance will pay because it hasn’t quite been a year~~~

I want a girl with the right allocations

~~~Like, in my 401(k)? You’ll need to discuss with my financial advisor~~~

Who's fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack

She's playing with her jewelry

~~~Because the carpal tunnel makes the clasps kinda hard to be sure you got hooked on there and you wouldn’t want to lose the necklace you actually ventured outside the home to purchase~~~

She's putting up her hair

She's touring the facilities

~~~In her sensible heels because she’s sharp as a damned tack~~~

And picking up slack

~~~Why is it that doing a good job means you get to do the jobs of those who don’t? This doesn’t seem all that sharp-tack like.~~

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.

~~~Or layerable sweater because there is no fucking such thing as quality morning AND afternoon temperature in any office building created on the face of the earth.

And also hot flashes.~~~

I want a girl who gets up early

~~~To pee~~~

I want a girl who stays up late

~~~Like 8:30?  Is that late enough because I may be able to commit to 9?~~~

It just gets sadder after that so I’ll stop here.  And remove Cake from my playlist as I’m officially too old.